I am afraid of suffering. There, I said it. (Admission is the first step right?) I came to this realization several months back. Deep down, everyone is afraid of something. For me that thing is suffering. It’s not that I haven’t faced hardships. And yet I still find myself afraid. Now why is that?
Am I afraid of what could happen to me or someone I love? Sure, but that’s not all there is to it. Am I afraid my faith will fail? To some extent, but I know that my ability to maintain faith does not ultimately rest on me. Is it my desire to maintain the illusion of control? That’s part of it but there’s something deeper. My fear shows a lack of complete and total trust in God. It’s not that I don’t want to trust him. Intellectually and experientially I know that I can trust him. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have doubts. That doesn’t erase my fear like it should. Lord, help me to rest in whose I am, who you are, and how perfectly you work all things for the good of those who love you.